A: So it's time to shake our second round warmly by the throat as we ask each panellist to explain a cryptic illusion from the tabloids. Paul, what scam is this?
P: Ah, this is the sad demise of Jackie magazine, which has been running for
many years and it's had to stop publishing because it's photo stories, whatever,
just aren't strong enough.
I: You mean dirty enough.
T: Yes, it's being reinvented and it's going to be called 'Teenage Death Shag'.
P: Yeah.
A: Could happen.
P: Yeah, could happen and it probably has.
A: Yes, probably will do.
Jackie is famous for passing on crucial tips to countless teenagers, such as
how to practise your first French kiss on a pillow instead of a boy's tongue,
though any girl who can get a pillow into her mouth wouldn't need much tuition.
One of its pitfalls was that unlike its rivals, it never had to deal with real
life issues, such as how to put on a condom. Unless you wanted to put a condom
on a pillow, presumably.
One of Jackie's rivals Mizz this month goes into detail...
P: But would you get a condom on a pillow?
A: It's a very good point well made I think, Paul.
P: Thank you.
I: I bet the Tub of Lard put you on to that one!
P: Yeah. Oh, if you had a Tub of Lard you could get a condom on a pillow!
A: Tub of Lard, a curious claim for you. No conferring!
ToL: (silence)
I: Well, since he can't get it...
P: Hang on a minute!
A: You haven't given him a chance yet!
P: He's only just seen it! He can't see the monitor from there anyway, look!
PICTURED: Paul holds the Tub of Lard over
the monitor for a better view
A:
No, I don't think he's going to get it. Ian, you had better help...
P: Is this the...er...
A: All right, go on!
P: ...the fact that they've discovered that the pyramids weren't built by slaves
at all but by people who wanted to build the pyramids, who were sort of builders
more or less. And they had sex, beer and neat moustaches.
T: Is it something to do with mummies and oesophaguses? No, that's a part of the
throat isn't it?! What do I mean?
P: No, they've found...
T: Sarcophaguses, sorry!
I: The Queen Mummy got something stuck in her throat!
T: A pillow, probably!
P: Might have been a Tub of Lard, you don't know!
T: Yeah!
A: I'm going to have to give you two points, it's completely right.
It's the discovery that the pyramids were built not by slaves but by
professional builders. The work took 70 years although the original estimate
said they'd be out in five weeks.
Tony:
T:
Oh yes, I read this. This is the American football team and the coach of the
team gave his teenage players an incentive, that if they did - very simple
really - if they did well, they could shag his wife! But apparently there was a
sliding scale, if that's the way to put it - oops, back to the lard again - if
they scored one point or whatever, they got oral sex. It was all rather saucy,
really.
A: Yes, it's American football coach Randy Brown, who has been on trial...
T: No! No, that wasn't his name!
A: It was!
T: It wasn't!
A: Randy Brown, who has been on trial with his wife in California after
offering her as an incentive to his underage team. A good pass was rewarded with
a kiss, a vital tackle was rewarded with oral sex and every goal was rewarded
with full sex. Just as well they don't have penalty shoot-outs in American
football.
P: What about the goalkeeper?
A: He didn't get much of a look-in, I'm afraid!
P: No!
T: What do you mean by 'vital tackle'?
A: What it means!
T: Do you mean very energetic?!
A: Yes, something along those lines.
They've both been on trial and Mrs Brown has now gone down for five years, so
no change there.
And finally Ian, one man's fight for justice:
I:
I think this is the Hoover story.
A: Might be.
I: There's a man who has kidnapped a Hoover van. He was one of those people who
joined a competition where you were meant to get free flights if you bought a
Hoover, and he didn't get any, and he was so annoyed that he kidnapped the van
and he said to Hoover 'if you don't give me the tickets, I'm going to keep this
van'.
T: So fly me to Barbados or the van gets it!
A: It's engineer David Dixon, of Seaton, Cumbria, who bought a washing
machine from Hoover in order to take advantage of their free flight offer.
Hoover wouldn't cough up the tickets and the washing machine broke down so Mr
Dixon has kidnapped the Hoover repair van that came round to fix it until he
gets his tickets. The washing machine in question has started moving all over
the kitchen of its own accord - knowing Hoover, the quickest way he'll get to
America is to sit on it and point it west.
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