A: Let's confront you with a number of 1991 tabloid headlines to decipher. Paul, a rather everyday claim for you:
P:
Well, David Icke, it must be, presumably.
C: David Owen.
I: It's David Owen, yeah quite!
P: David Icke...
C: He went bonkers and predicted Oxford United would get promotion.
P: Yes. He said Arsenal would do
quite well in Europe as well.
A: Yes. It's David Icke, the
former Coventry goalkeeper now Son of God, one of the less publicised
close-season transfers.
To prove that he was the Son of God, Icke announced that by the end of the
year, Saddam Hussein would be dead and the Isle of Arran would have been sunk
beneath the waves under a gigantic earthquake.
Well, unless there are some major surprises on tonight's news, it looks
like Socrates has been at the Ouzo again.
Clive, a salacious little number for you:
C:
I'm not sure about this, but there was a story earlier this year about Norman
Lamont, who had rented out a flat of his to someone who advertised herself as a
relief masseuse or something...
P: Was it Princess Diana? I got
confused.
C: I don't know if he ever managed to get rid of her, or what terms they agreed
for her departure.
A: Well, I'm not sure she ever did leave actually.
I: Are you staying she's still there? In
Norman Lamont's house?
C: Well I'll give you the address if you'd like it!
P: How do you have the address Clive?
C: How do I have the address? Well
if you go to the phone booth just outside here, quite a number of interesting
addresses!
PICTURED: Clive
indicates the phone booth direction to Paul...
A:
Yes, well if I could just leap in here, it concerns...
C: Happy Harry is the one I rather like!
H: I'm just rather shocked that you're so rude! I thought you were a nice man, you're rather vulgar aren't
you?
A: Yes, it turned out to be Miss Sarah Dale, who was alleged to be a
prostitute but she insisted she was a sex therapist who merely practised in the
nude, so as to not distract her clients. I
must say I find that when I go to the dentist - much less distracting if they're
completely naked.
Presumably now when Lamont gets home and finds a message that the Chief Whip
called, he doesn't know whether to ring the House of Commons or pop downstairs.
P: You're just gabbling!
A: Harry, another deeply religious headline for you:
H: James Anderton is it?
PICTURED: Harry's limp-wristed reference to James Anderton
C:
What's that?
I: He's a teapot is he?
P: Why are you doing Larry Grayson?
H: That's my James Anderton!
C: You're miming a beard are you?
H: I always thought, well he is slightly camp isn't he?
Well, I always thought he was, anyway...
A: He's guessing wildly here.
H: Yes. Well he went...
A: Yes, he retired.
H: There was a bit of a row before he retired, and he got a rocket from
somebody...as a leaving present! Possibly
from the Soviet Union...
A: It's sad to see a man groping in quite that pathetic way.
It's the retirement last March...
H: You're very rude too!
A: ...of the chief constable of Greater Manchester, Sir James Anderton, who
controversially claimed he got his orders directly from God.
The rocket in question came from the local council and police authorities
after his increasingly bizarre pronouncements.
He accused homosexuals of 'swirling around in a human cesspit of their
own making'...
H: (sarcastically) Hear hear!
C: Yes, I've got a phone number for that as well if you're interested!
A: If you could just leave them behind afterwards that would be lovely.
And he was also accused of wolf-whistling Fergie when she bent over
during an official visit. So that proves he's mad.
And finally in this round Ian:
I: Maxwell's death.
A: Well you might be right but it's not the answer I've got written here.
I: No, this is the United Colours of Benetton advert. They put up, on a hoarding all over the country, a newly-born
baby, with everything on it, blood and the umblicial cord.
I don't know why this was the United Colours of Benetton...
H: Well, it's because their jumpers now come with umbilical cords.
I: Ah!
A: Now we know.
The new-born baby was the third in a line of outrageous and shocking Benetton
adverts, the others showing a black woman and a white baby, and two heterosexual
priests. Now that IS unusual.
C: Actually, the United Colours of Benetton are really featured in your
waistcoat tonight, aren't they Angus? It's
rather smart.
A: Are they? Well yes, there is one
or two...
PICTURED:
Angus checks out his own United Colours of Benetton
C: Reminds you a bit of a new-born baby doesn't it?
H: They're not born with waistcoats Clive.
C: What are you talking about? Are
you on drugs Harry? I was simply
drawing attention to the sartorial elegance of the chairman.
I think it's a jolly nice waistcoat.
A: Thank you. And I hurl it back in
your general direction.
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