A: Let's quickly dispense with the rest of the programme, turning as we
traditionally do at this stage to the second round and the dubious world of
tabloid headlines.
PICTURED:
Paul unslicks his hair
I: Now he looks like Melvyn Bragg!
A: Paul, something for you to reflect on:
P: Yes, it's very self-explanatory, really.
It's this bloke who goes by the name of Colin Sad, who has been stealing
cars.
He's got a sort of passion for cars and he steals them and he does them
up and he polishes them and waxes them and pumps up the pressure in the tyres
and then returns them.
And he's just been sent to prison for six months for doing the very same
thing.
His name is Colin Sad.
A: Yes, I heard the name and the story, and unfortunately it's completely true,
yes, for two points.
Absolutely right Melvyn.
It's the tragic story of the Sheffield man who stole people's cars, washed them,
polished them and brought them back again.
The thief's name is Colin Sad, as Paul mentioned.
Frankly, if you're called Mr and Mrs Sad there's not a lot you can do for
your son, but calling him Colin is hardly the answer.
Eddie, not so much a headline as a novel for you:
E: Yes, obviously, it's a love affair, someone on 'Gardener's Question Time'
gone mad.
It's something about, I think, something to do with love letters that
were discovered that someone wrote to Margaret, Princess Margaret, King
Margaret, someone.
Alec Douglas-Hulme's nephew's brother's dog's friend Keith who knew him
well, and they had like, years ago, had a thing and wrote love letters with
great poetry in.
This is a bit of it.
A: Margaret also reportedly had an affair with Peter Sellers, who said that
she was more adventurous in bed than Britt Ekland, although she did draw the
line when he said "I hear you have a sister - why not bring her
along?"
Jonathan, yours comes from that austere organ of political correctness, the
Guardian:
J: I saw the story, it's a very fine story indeed.
There's a topless exotic dancer in the States who has had her breasts
enhanced, shall we say.
Large bags of plastic inserted for the entertainment of sad American
gentlemen and she then tried to claim it back on her tax form, and I think she
got away with it, but the judge branded her as 'freakish', which I think was a
tad unkind.
P: Her name was Chesty Love.
J: No, I think, wasn't it LA Bust?
P: LA Bust?
J: Or was it Melissa Mounts?
A: I think you're reading out your own address book aren't you?
I'm afraid Paul was completely right, it was Chesty Love.
J: But he doesn't get my point, he doesn't steal my point though does he,
sitting there with his foppish hair, he doesn't take my point having studied it
in a kind of sad, lonely loser's way and remembered the name does he?
I mean, I got the story right Angus.
I: What - by reading it out?
J: I laid down the parameters...no, I knew the story - the breasts were
enhanced, she got away with it - and just didn't happen to stick the name in
before old big mouth over there blurted it out and you're going to give him my
point now and you think that's fair do you, Mr Smarmy Git?
A: It's all about the judge who have a stripper two thousand pounds worth of
relief.
Makes a change from the other way round.
Exotic dancer Chesty Love, for an extra point Paul...
J: Yeah, like the name matters.
Like the name actually counts for anything in this game.
I: Jonathan's very overexcited.
He hasn't been on a real channel before!
A: Ian, a heartwarming story of tolerance and understanding for you:
I: Oh, this is a special outing by, I would guess, a sort of social security
outfit somewhere, who have taken a series of young offenders to see showings of
"Reservoir Dogs" as therapy, and the idea is that these young thugs go
in and see this film about people killing policemen and come out thinking
"Yeah, I won't do that".
But "Reservoir Dogs", which I'm sorry but I haven't seen - I
bet you have.
E: Yes.
I: Is it a very moral film?
Because this is what they're saying, it's a very moral film.
E: It's...I don't know about that!
Depends.
Define 'moral'...
P: And 'film'!
E: Yeah!
A: The offenders will also be shown "Mississippi Burning" to cure
them of racist feelings, and the latest Michael Winner to cure them of ever
wanting to go to the cinema again.
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