A: And so all hail round three and our comedically challenged Odd One Out round. Paul, your little lot are: Paul Gascoigne, or Gazza; his girlfriend Sheryl Kyle, or Shazza; Paula Yates, or Yazza; and J Howard Marshall the third.
PICTURED: Top (L) Paul Gascoigne; (R) Sheryl Kyle
Bottom:
(L) Paula Yates; (R) J Howard Marshall III
PM:
Is it breast implants?
PY: Oh, well that's very gentlemanly! That's really nice! You could have said it
was Gazza, me and her have all dyed our hair.
PM: Yeah...
A: But he would have been wrong though, wouldn't he?
PY: But he would have been more of a gentleman!
A: Yes...
I: It's a big secret though isn't it, your breast implants? I mean, you
certainly kept it quiet.
PY: Yeah, I was straight on the phone to someone with a greasy shirt in Wapping
saying "please discuss my breasts with the nation"!
I: And "can you buy the rights to my book?".
PY: Yes!
I: I mean, it's terrible bloody media intrusion. Look, the cameras are in,
Paula!
PY: Ian, please stop being unkind. Don't be unkind.
I: Should I stop being unkind?
PICTURED: Ian appeals to the audience
(most
of the audience shout 'no')
PM: Well, there's only one way to sort this out. If you want Ian to stop being
unkind, phone 08966...
I: I'm a bit worried, because your current beau beats people up, doesn't he?
PY: He sometimes gets a bit cross.
I: If the photographers come in and they're from the wrong organisation and you
haven't sold the pictures to them.
PY: We both punch them, yes.
I: You both punch them. Well, there you go!
A: Fair enough.
I: Two black eyes next week, then!
A: Yes, well there's nothing wrong with physical violence, let's face it.
PM: Who's going to get two black eyes? (to Paula) You're not going
jogging are you?
PY: Oh dear!
PM: Has it got something to do with the fact that they all dye their hair?!
A: Well, a gentlemanly answer, but unfortunately wrong.
PM: Ah, wait a minute. He, Gazza, did the thing with the plastic breasts didn't
he? On the team bus. The plastic breasts, didn't he? When they came back from
the World Cup or whatever. She must be the Odd One Out, the one at the right
top, because she's the only one who has been seen - how do I put this - with...
PY: With big plastic bosoms, is that what you're trying to say?
A: However, you put it, it's the wrong answer.
It's that all of them are the owners of plastic breasts with the exception of
the oil billionaire J Howard Marshall the third, who didn't own any, unless you
count the pair that came free with his wife.
When Gazza arrived in Italy, the Lazio team roared and applauded when he turned
up on the first day with a couple of hilarious, pendulous breasts and an absurd
beer belly. That's until they realised they were real.
Paula here had a breast enlargement operation at the beginning of her
relationship with Michael Hutchence...
PY: Oh honestly, Angus, how can you say that?
I: He's just sitting there, talking the truth!
PM: We don't know what the truth is!
PY: Yeah, how do you know?
I: You mean the book's rubbish? Well, I know that, but I mean...
PY: Ian!
PM: Once again, knowing how to judge an audience!
PY: Ian once again knowing how to woo a woman into submission!
I: No, I gather it took six days to write this book. Did you get writer's block
or something?!
PY: If you say one more thing he's going to punch you!
PM: Yeah, I will. I'll take great pleasure in thumping my fist into that great
face of yours!
A: It was around the tenth series that things began to get nasty!
I: The great wit of the twentieth century!
A: So Paula, put us right then. Is that all wrong? Did you not have a breast
enlargement operation at the beginning of your relationship with Michael?
(audience member shouts 'yes!')
PY: All right! So much for sisterhood!
PICTURED:
Paula's appeal to the audience...
PM:
When you go along, do they give you a wallpaper chart...
I: 'So much for sisterhood'?
PY: Well, that was a woman who said 'yes!'.
I: Is that what you said to Helena Christiensen?
A: Oooh!
PY: Oh!
(audience unrest)
I: I can't believe it!
PM: Who's Helena Christiensen?
A: We can always resort to physical violence after the show!
PM: So when you go along, do you get like a wallpaper chart book, and you say
'well, I'll have one of those, and that'd look quite good with the sideboard
actually. I'll have that'.
PY: Do you really want to know?
PM: Or do you just take a bowler hat and say 'give us two of those'?
PY: No! They take you into this room and there's millions of bosoms, and you say
'I'll have those'.
PM: Really?
PY: Yeah!
A: Good, well thank you for putting us straight on that Paula.
PY: No, feel free. (looks at Ian) I really despise you now.
PICTURED: Paula despises Ian...
A:
We've despised him for ages! Would you like another question?
PY: Oh God, give me anything!
A: You're going to get one anyway. I 'll give you an Odd One Out. Your four wild
things are: Humphrey the Downing Street cat; the lions in Trafalgar Square,
Gabriela Sabatini; and Ganesh the elephant God.
PICTURED: Top: (L) Humphrey; (R) Trafalgar Square lions
Bottom: (L) Gabriele Sabatini; (R) Ganesh the elephant
God
PY: Gabriela Sabatini is advertising milk, that's why she has that little milky moustache, and Ganesh - it says here (points to the set) 'not another drop says Ganesh the elephant' and then it says 'her amazing milky miracle' - and that's because... (catches Ian's eye)... don't even look at me, you sperm of the devil - and he, the reason he's there is because he suddenly had this miracle...
PICTURED: Paula
uses the set to emphasise a point...
PICTURED: ...then gives Ian "the look"
I:
Sperm of the devil!
PY: He was drinking milk...
I: Even your insults emanate from the genitals!
PY: Are you listening? Angus, are you listening?
A: There's someone talking in my ear!
PM: Paula's trying to answer the question!
PY: And he's teaching his grandmother how to suck eggs!
PM: Yes!
A: Right, Gabriela Sabatini...
PM: He looks like a sucked egg!
PY: Did you hear where I got up to? So the odd one out, is that lion.
A: Is the right answer! Gordon, not quite as obvious as this might seem: Captain
Robert Jenkins; Van Gogh; Channel Tunnel worker Pat Neary; and Colin the Mouse.
PICTURED:
Top: (L) Capt Robert Jenkins; (R) Van Gogh
Bottom: (L) Pat Neary; (R) Colin the Mouse
G: Well, any ideas, sperm of the devil? I think this has probably got something
to do with ears. Or am I way off the mark?
PM: You know the thing about...it's terrible really, growing this ear on this
mouse, but in about twenty years' time you can go to the doctor and say 'well,
I'll have the tongue of an anteater'. And they'll just put it in.
A: Why would you want one?
PM: Well, you can read the newspapers and clean the windows at the same time! Or
if your wife's upstairs waiting for you and your downstairs watching 'Match Of
The Day', any time you shout 'goal!' she's more than happy!
A: The odd one out is Pat Neary as all the others have possess just one human
ear. Pat Neary has two human ears though when he lost one of them in a fight, it
was sewn back on to the inner part of his upper leg. The ear works perfectly
well, though every time his wife tries to whisper sweet nothings, he has to be
careful not to poke her eye out.
And finally in this round, Ian: the Pope; Hugh Grant; Princess Diana; and Japan.
PICTURED: Top (L) the Pope; (R) Hugh Grant
Bottom: (L) Princess Diana; (R) Japan
I: Hugh Grant has done something very embarrassing in Hollywood.
A: Mmm.
I: Made a film!
G: Made 'Nine Stories', yes!
PY: The Pope's the odd one out...
A: Yes.
PY: ...because Hugh Grant has maybe done something embarrassing.
PM: He certainly did.
I: Maybe? I thought he was convicted.
PY: I still don't believe it. The Japanese...
G: You don't believe it's embarrassing or you don't believe he did it?
PM: What's all this picking going on?
PY: Yes, from you two!
G: I'm not picking, I'm asking! I'm not the sperm of the devil, he is! I'm just
asking! I'm just interested to know, that's all!
I: Don't get unpopular by doing stuff about blowjobs.
PM: That was just like the devil wasn't it? Behind somebody's shoulder, and over
here you've got Malcolm Muggeridge going 'don't do it!' 'Yes, do it!' 'No,
don't!'
PY: I'm telling you Angus - please look at me while I'm telling you!
A: Yes, I will do.
PY: And the Japanese had to say that they did something embarrassing in the war.
PM: Yeah.
I: Public apologies.
A: Public apologies is the right area...
I: Grant apologised to his girlfriend Liz Hurley.
A: So who hasn't apologised?
I: Diana apologised publicly to herself, for Will Carling and Julia's appalling
behaviour! No she hasn't apologised to anyone, she's the odd one out.
A: She's the odd one out, you got there in the end, yes.
G: The Pope apologised for having his finger stuck in his ear.
PY: What did the Pope apologise for?
A: Oh, he apologised to women, all over the world. He did.
PY: Did he?
A: Yes.
PY: He said 'sorry, I insist!'
G: He said 'sorry, I'm not for sale!'
A: Hugh Grant apologised for his antics with Divine Brown. Divine is now
releasing a record entitled 'What's Going On?' which were the words spoken by
Hugh Grant when the police turned up. On the B-side there's a track on what
words Divine was saying at the time. That's an instrumental, presumably.
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