A: So, being the show that picks up from where others leave off, we begin with
round five. Paul and John...
PICTURED:
Film footage of a junior minister, Baroness Symon, a soldier in the
jungle, and Cook on a train
JS: Oh yes, this is Robin Cook, this is arms to...he wasn't told where Sierra
Leone was. That's the junior minister who was told where Sierra Leone was. And
Baroness Symon kissing her career goodbye, and now we're in the jungle and
that's Robin Cook again, I think!
P: Yeah.
JS: Oh no, there he is and he's got all the documents inside his box, and
they've been put there by officials.
P: Yeah.
JS: To incriminate him.
P: Best answer we've ever had for any question!
A: So Robin Cook completely innocent on this one.
JS: Totally innocent. He's a very wonderful person and throughout the show I'll be saying this about all Government ministers.
PICTURED: John Sergeant proclaims Robin Cook's
innocence
A: Right!
JK: Why do they call it 'sandline'?
JS: Why do they call it 'sandline'? Because it was a line in the sand, they went
as far as they could. And this is coming out in the weeks ahead - I'm giving you
that for free!
P: Ha ha!
JS: I'm looking forward to the film. You know, you've heard of a film called
'Out Of Africa', this is going to be called 'Into Africa'.
I: I gather Tom Cruise is going to play Robin Cook!
JS: Well, I think when you think of Robin Cook, you think of Kenneth Branagh.
But would he get the laughs?!
P: Ha!
JS: Do you want the answer? Do you want the considered answer?
A: Okay!
JS: All right. Well who benefits, right? Does Mr Blair want a really powerful
and successful Foreign Secretary who may threaten him in times to come?
JK: Oooh!
I: But he hasn't got a powerful, effective Foreign Secretary, he's got a bloke
with a beard who has cocked up every single one so far!
JS: Well...
I: Israel, India, Sierra Leone, this is the man Cook who, when he was in charge
of attacking the arms-to-Iraq scandal, he said: 'Ministers have got to take the
rap. They can't just blame their officials'. As soon as he gets in power he
says: 'It's my officials! They didn't put it in the box!'
A: And what's his nickname now around the Foreign Office?
I: Erm...'Finished'!
P: 'Ready Steady'?
A: The scandal has several echoes of the Conservative government's problems
with arms-to-Iraq and the Scott report. The first signs of trouble were spotted
by Customs and Excise then, as now. A Government minister admitted to misleading
fellow MPs then, as now. And Robin Cook's performance was described as
'masterly'...then.
Ian and Jonathan...
PICTURED:
Film footage of Terry Wogan at 'Eurovision', a man on a balcony, Imani, and Dana
International
JK: Ah.
I: That's not Robin Cook is it?!
JK: No, that's Michael Barrymore looking for the toilet. That's the wonderful
Imani, our British entry for Eurovision, and that's the one that won Eurovision,
the lovely Dana International. When I saw her in rehearsals I thought she might
have had a little of her charisma snipped off but actually it was all right.
A: Are you still involved in Eurovision at all?
JK: I'm afraid to say yes! I'm still helping get the British entry.
I: You chose that song?
JK: I chose the British song, yes.
I: It was second.
JK: It was, yes.
I: Were you disappointed?
JK: Not really, no. I put twenty quid on the Israeli one at 20-1! And I'm really
glad Paul obviously loved every minute of it.
PICTURED: Jonathan is delighted at his involvement with the
Eurovision...
A: I was interested...I was interested in whether you had anything to do with
the organisation...
P: How did Pearl Carr and Teddy Johnson do?!
A: ...because I noticed that the winner didn't seem to...what continent would
you describe Israel as being in?
JK: Well, I believe that it is in the EBU, which is the European Broadcasting
Union. This contest is now 43 years old so a long time ago it was quite hard to
get anyone to enter and I think they were quite grateful for anything they could
get!
JS: But what about Switzerland? They had 'nul points', right in the middle of
Europe, nothing! That's a warning, isn't it? That's a warning! Did you notice
that Paul?
P: No. I would have done had I been watching!
PICTURED: ...while
Paul doesn't even watch it
JK: I'm rather disturbed to discover that the BBC's senior political advisor
knows more about Eurovision than he knows about sandline!
JS: Well no, we're told we have to do Eurovision first! We're going after the
bigger audience now. 'Dumbing up' we call it!
PICTURED: John contemplates "the bigger audience"...
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