A: And so just as things are getting going, in tribute to TV executives everywhere, we break suddenly for a four-course meal. Four unsavoury news stories to identify from four even more unsavoury foodstuffs. So, Ian and Peter...
PICTURED:
Angus hands a covered plate to Peter...
PICTURED: ...to reveal two
melons.
I: Ah!
PH: Melons!
A: Yes.
PH: This is about Britain's fine new universities - at least, I think it is -
and some really serious research which they've done which suggests that when
women go out to the shops and buy melons, they're influenced in their choice of
melon size - oh, how can I say this?! - by their own physical attributes. So
presumably (picks up larger melon) some women buy these and (picks up
smaller melon) some women buy these! Am I getting somewhere? Have I got
completely the wrong answer? I'll put the lid back on! (quickly replaces the
lid)
A: I'd love to say you are completely wrong but unfortunately you're utterly
right.
C: I just wonder what the choice of cucumbers is!
PM: I can't get it in the basket!
I: Usually they sell them cut in half don't they? Ooh!
PICTURED: Ian
demonstrates how to chop a cucumber...
PM: That's kosher!
A: So how do you test a melon then Clarissa, to find out if it's ripe or not?
C: You smell it.
PICTURED: ...while Clarissa demonstrates the correct
method to determine the ripeness of a melon.
I: Do you have to open it before you smell it?
C: No, no. You just hold it. Hold that to your nose and see what happens..oh!
PICTURED: Ian 'passes' the melon to Clarissa.
I: Can I just ring the England Test selectors?!
C: So just smell that.
PICTURED: Angus
tests the melon.
A: Right, thank you very much.
PM: This could be a new programme called 'Melon Sniffing'. Welcome to 'Melon
Sniffing'. Lord Hailsham, would you like to sniff a melon?!
A: A Tesco spokesman said: "For most women, breast size is a conscious
thought when buying melons." Whereas for most men, breast size is a conscious thought when doing almost anything.
Paul and Clarissa, bon appetit...
PICTURED:
Angus hands the plate to Clarissa...
C: Un, deux, trois!
PICTURED:
...who lifts the lid to reveal a meat pie and a football
scarf.
PM: Ah! This is a meat pie, and that's Norwich City.
C: Delia.
PM: Delia Smith.
C: Delia Smith said that - she's a director of Norwich City - and she said that
they were going to do away with the meat pie image of soccer and have designer
foods for Norwich City.
PM: Oh look, it's got a little hole...
PICTURED: Paul inspects the pie...
C: (looks inside the pie) Eugh! It's been hanging around!
PICTURED: ...as does Clarissa.
PM: You could have an act for this 'Hello, my name's Bobby! Bobby the Talking Meat Pie'! Makes your melons look a bit sick, doesn't it?! Not often you get to say that on British television! It's about Delia Smith and meat pies - she doesn't like them, she's going to change the food at Norwich City.
PICTURED: Paul
Merton - comedian, ventriloquist...
I: Are you rivals or is it perfectly friendly?
C: Not at all. I'm a great friend of Delia's.
I: Just checking!
C: She's given more people the confidence to cook my recipes than anyone else I
know!
A: Ian and Peter, your side order. Help yourself.
PICTURED: Peter prepares to reveal the contents of the
plate.
A: There is a part of it I have to give you as well. There we are.
PICTURED: Angus hands a stuffed rat to Peter.
I: I don't think this is this week's story but there was a story about research into potatoes which had Clarissa's obsession, genetically-modified food, injected into them, and they were fed to rats - rather like this...
PICTURED:
Ian 'feeds' the rat...
P: Ha ha! It's like someone tipping, the way you do it!
I: I could do 'Tomorrow's World' next! And then the rats do that! And the professor published this research and then a
whole load of other professors tried to sit on it because the results are
embarrassing. It suggests that genetically-modified food might actually kill
people.
PICTURED: ...then demonstrates the fate of the rat
following its feast of potatoes.
C: It's Professor Arphad Pusztai.
A: Very good. And of course you know quite a lot about this because he was
actually at Aberdeen University, where of course you are a rector.
PM: Well, yes that's...oh sorry, you were talking to...sorry!
C: Yes, yes. That's absolutely right.
A: Yes, we know it's right. We've got a photograph of you here.
PICTURED: Clarissa 'on Angus'.
C: That's me on Angus. Angus the bull it's called.
A: Oh, thank God!
I: You sure it's called Angus the bull?
C: Yes!
PM: That's short for Angus the bullshitter!
A: And what was Blair's reaction to it?
I: He said: "Look! Trust me!"
A: Well, he said he had given them to his kids. He did a Gummer, didn't he?
I: Oh really?
A: Mmm.
I: But he's in a slightly odd position because he's got David Sainsbury in his
Government, and Sainsbury's are quite involved in genetically modified food, so
there could be a conflict of interests. Except it's Tony, and he doesn't have
conflicts!
A: And there are some strange examples of modification.
C: There's a type of corn which glows in the dark, apparently, because it's had
a phosphorescent gene in it, or something like that and they suggested in
America that it would be perfect for lining airports because you didn't need
torches in the dark. You'd have the corn. That's true, apparently.
PM: But then birds would eat the corn, and you'd get glowing bird shit on the
runway!
C: That's the whole problem, yes!
PM: The top of Nelson's Column would be like a beacon for aeroplanes!
A: It's the story of the genetically-modified potato which was fed to rats by
Dr Pusztai. There was an immediate outcry against the experiment - "Dr
Pusztai's conclusions remain unproven. It's got nothing to do with genetic
modification," said one of the rats.
In their defence, GM giant Monsanto say they have spent millions in research and
as a result are fully aware of precisely which Government ministers will turn a
blind eye.
And finally Paul and Clarissa, your crackers.
PM: Thank you!
PICTURED:
Clarissa about to remove the lid of the plate.
C: Ah!
PM: Cheese.
PICTURED:
Clarissa samples the cheese...
PM: Is it good?
C: Mmm, have a bit. Very good.
A: I was just going to say 'don't eat it', but...
PICTURED: Paul samples the cheese, with peculiar results...
C: It's blue cheese. Olchillata, Roquefort...
A: It is in fact Stilton.
C: Then it's been out an awful long time!
I: Is it the cheese rolling competition? They banned it and now it's back again,
or something like that. But anyway, there's a cheese rolling
competition.
A: Is the right answer! In fact we can have a look at the cheese rolling
competition now.
PICTURED:
Film footage of the cheese rolling
competition.
I: Look! A passer-by could have been hurt!
A: And if you want to see more of that cheese rolling event, it's the main
item on this week's 'Grandstand'.
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