AD: So let's start at the very beginning, as Julie Andrews would have had it - that's if she ever did - with our opening news film round. Two snippets of topical celluloid per team. Ian and Alexei - one or two interesting pictures for you.
PICTURED:
Film footage of a gymnasium, a ceiling, a female bodybuilder, a news stand
I: That's a private place!
AS: Don't know what this can be about!
I: No, there's nothing in that ceiling - look, there's Di! No, this was humbug
week. It was absolutely wonderful. The Mirror printed these pictures, then the
rest of Fleet Street said 'This is absolutely disgusting!' Largely because they
didn't get the photos. I've seen the pictures, though.
AD: Evidently.
I: I'm not going to buy the Daily Mirror, obviously.
AD: They don't buy Private Eye, so why should you?!
It's those pictures of Princess Diana in the Mirror. The Sun newspaper
expressed its own outrage, saying: "The Sun would never have published such
photographs. These were different to the photos of Fergie toe-sucking."
Yes, these didn't have any tits in them, did they?
Paul and Gerald, who is this with the world at his feet?
PICTURED: Film footage of the Korean leader, the army , Bill Clinton, a nuclear explosion
P: Erm...
I: EastEnders!
AS: Animated GI Jane!
P: It's Korea.
G: It's Korea, which has been warned by Clinton not to indulge in nuclear tests
but is determined to do so.
I: Korea is run by a complete lunatic. A man called Kim Il Sung.
AS: But everyone's called Kim in Korea.
G: There are just the two names. There are just two names in the whole of Korea.
It's very difficult to find anyone in the telephone directory.
AS: Kim and Tracy!
AD: It's the impending nuclear threat to the world, posed by insane North
Korean leader Tracy Il...sorry, Kim Il Sung. The North Korean army is now
amassing on the South Korean border and President Clinton has warned that any
attack on South Korea would be an attack on the United States. Clearly he has
just as firm a grasp of geography as his predecessor.
US defence secretary Les Aspin says: "We don't know if North Korea has a
nuclear bomb, but it's certainly only a few bits short." Let's hope one of
them is the trigger.
Ian and Alexei, feast your eyes on this.
PICTURED: Film
footage of champagne, John Major in a dinner suit, a large party, Douglas Hurd
I: Who's the waiter?
AS: Sit down Hokey Cokey!
I: Is this our question?
AD: It can be, yes! Why not?!
AS: My agent just told me I should come on here so I'd get more advertising
voice overs, that's the only reason I'm doing it. I'd just say 'Looking for
auto-insurance? Don't!' 'Still using big box powders? Don't!'
I: You don't do soap in a bath do you?
AS: No, no. Not me. That's a sell-out for comedians to appear in. (looks at
Paul) Oops!
PICTURED: Alexei says "Oops"... PICTURED: ...Paul's reaction
AD: Any ideas?
P: They've spent millions of pounds on the drinks bill.
AS: Oh yeah!
I: The cabinet.
AD: 'They' being..?
P: The Cabinet. The Government. Their hospitality bill has shot through the
roof.
G: But they say because it's got so much work to do, the Department of Social
Security has got to have these parties in order to work out exactly how to stop
lone mothers getting their grants.
P: Exactly!
AS: Of course, you'd have to pissed to come up with their policies, wouldn't
you? (drunkenly) 'That's a good idea - let's privatise the trains! I love
you!'
PICTURED: Alexei pretends to be drunk
I: It's just a pathetic attempt to win friends, isn't it? John Major saying
'I'll buy you a drink! I'll buy you a drink!'
AD: It seems to work!
I: A 35 per cent increase in the drinks bill at a time when we're cutting public
spending.
AS: I think it's wrong.
I: Oh, you're kidding!
AS: No, I do. You know, in reality I think it's wrong.
AD: Well, it's controversial viewpoint!
AS: Yeah!
AD: It's the discovery that the Government now spends a record fifteen
million pounds every year on parties and alcohol, probably because they don't
get their discount from Thresher's any more.
Tea and biscuits at one EC summit alone cost thirty five thousand pounds. Thank
God no-one asked for a slice of cake.
Paul and Gerald, a few basket cases for you.
PICTURED: Film footage of Neil and Glenys Kinnock, a cash register,
Margaret Thatcher
shaking hands with shoppers, Virginia Bottomley
P: Ah, yes. This week Neil Kinnock was refused service in Marks and Spencer's -
oh, that's her new Saturday job! - they didn't recognise him in Marks and
Spencer's. He wanted to cash a cheque and he didn't have any form of
identification and when he said 'I'm the bald bloke who lost the last General
Election', that wasn't good enough.
I: Could have been any number of them couldn't it?!
G: Thank you very much indeed!
AS: Still using big box powders?!
G: What I don't understand was - what was that picture of Emma Thompson doing at the end of the sequence?
AD: I think it might have been Virginia Bottomley, but that may be completely
wrong!
AS: Did you know this - it may be common knowledge, so you can cut it out - but
did you know that 'Virginia Bottomley' is actually an anagram for 'I'm an evil
Tory bigot'?
AD: Is that true? Can we work it out?
I: It was in the Sun earlier this week.
PICTURED: Paul and Alexei concentrate on the anagrams...
AS: (as he writes) Vir-gin-ia...
PICTURED: Alexei writes out Virginia Bottomley's name
AD: Oh Lord, it's true - we can cut it out!
I: But the other people have a link with Marks and Spencer's as well, don't
they?
AD: 'The other people' being...?
I: Virginia Bottomley. Mrs Virginia Lobotomy, as we call her.
P: Yeah, but you wouldn't get the 'Tory bigot' out of that, 'lobotomy'.
AD: It'd be 'Tory bigol' wouldn't it?
P: Mmm.
AD: Anyway, several days ago you may remember I asked a question!
I: It was about people's shopping baskets. I'd hate to bring this up Angus, but
there was rather an amazing piece in the Sunday Mirror.
AD: Oh yeah?
I: About this bloke and his shopping basket. Did you see it?!
AD: No!
I: I think it was called 'Have I Got Shopping For You'!
P: I've got a copy of it here, funnily enough! (produces article) It's
next to the words 'basket case' and it says 'Angus Deayton's life - Dayton, however you pronounce it...
PICTURED: Paul displays the article concerning
Angus
AD: I've forgotten myself!
P: ..'Angus Deayton's - Dayton's - life is dominated by orange juice'.
(Angus nods)
I: Did you know that 'Angus Deayton' is an anagram of 'Neat, young, sad'?!
AS: Do you use big box powders in your shopping basket? Don't!
AD: You've got the job!
AS: Ha ha!
AD: It's Neil Kinnock, who wasn't recognised by staff at Marks and Spencer's
when he tried to pay by cheque. The same shop has opened especially early for Virginia Bottomley, Mrs Thatcher and other Tory luminaries,
so Maggie wins and Neil doesn't. Sounds familiar.
Playing down the incident, an M&S worker said: "We actually prefer customers like Mr and Mrs Kinnock to VIPs."
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