A: And so we prepare to break and enter our revered Odd One Out round. Four
genuine VIPs - which one is the Gyles Brandreth? Paul, help yourself to Sir
Alistair Burnet...
P: Lovely!
A: ...Nicholas Fairbairn MP, his eminence the Pope, and Mr Carl Watkins of
Redditch.
PICTURED:
Top: (L) Sir Alistair Burnet; (R) Nicholas Fairburn
Bottom:
(L) The Pope; (R) Carl Watkins
P: Is the Pope the only one with a coke habit? What was the name of that last
one, Carl...?
A: Carl Watkins of Redditch.
P: Of Redditch?
A: Of Redditch, yeah.
P: Now he's the man who has sex with pavements.
A: An outrageous slur on Carl Watkins.
P: He's the man who has sex with pavements and has just gone to prison to serve,
well, hard labour I suppose! The Pope obviously kisses pavements but other than
that, he doesn't have sex with them, so he's the only one who has sex with them.
How can I put it - he's the only one who has sex with pavements.
F: Alistair Burnet fell on a pavement.
P: Alistair Burnet fell over on a pavement after it had rejected him, and Carl
Whatsisname is the only one who has sex with pavements.
A: So just to reiterate then...
P: The other three don't have sex with pavements.
A: So it's the having sex with pavements, that's your answer.
P: Yes. I wish I was being sponsored by the having sex with pavements society.
I'd be making a bomb here.
A: You almost got there. All of them except the Pope have been found lying face
down on a pavement.
Sir Alistair Burnet claimed to have suffered a mystery fall late at night of
which he has no recollection. He also claims that drinking whisky is the mark of
a patriot. And according to friends, that night he was completely patriotic.
Nicholas Fairbairn was upended...
C: Was what?
A: Upended.
P: Lovely!
A: At Edinburgh Airport.
P: That's only in the first class you get that!
A: He was upended by someone calling him a 'Tory bastard'. Well, 50 per
cent correct, he's a bit too much of his own man to be called a Tory.
And Carl Watkins of Redditch was jailed, as Paul said, for 18 months this week
after being repeatedly caught having sex with pavements...
P: What a surprise!
A: ...footpaths...
P: Well you could have fooled me!
A: ...and even on one occasion Paul, with someone's back passage!
C: You can see in that photograph he's obviously out on the pull there. That's
what he's doing. He's looking and he's saying "Oooh, there's a pavement
over there I quite fancy. Yeah!"
PICTURED: Chris points out a pavement...
A: The Pope, on the other hands, has kissed airport runways all over the
world and is therefore the odd one out as he is the only one who's shown any
real affection and tenderness towards tarmac.
So Fiona, your unlikely bedfellows are James Hunt, Geoff Capes, Jason Donovan,
and Beaky, who is...
PICTURED:
Top: (L) James Hunt; (R) Geoff Capes
Bottom: (L) Jason Donovan; (R) Beaky
C: Who's the one in the middle!
A: ...who is the one in the middle who's ringed, who is the Queen's personal
stud budgie.
P: I wouldn't think a budgie would be big enough!
F: This is all to do with budgies, I reckon. I think James Hunt, Jason Donovan
and Geoff Capes all keep budgies, and Beaky is kept by someone else, by the
Queen.
I: No, the clue is in the 'stud'. Jason - stud, massive heterosexual figure,
seen here with a beautiful girl, as always!
A: It is in fact Jason Donovan, as all the others are keen budgie fanciers,
whereas Jason doesn't fancy birds of any kind. Unless they're human of course!
Experts warn that it's a risky hobby as budgies can pass on a fungal
condition which makes humans go bald. No wonder the Queen wears a hat all the
time.
Chris, four peas in a pod for you - Gazza, Fiona Armstrong here, Kenneth Tynan,
and Jools Holland.
PICTURED:
Top: (L) Gazza; (R) Fiona Armstrong
Bottom:
(L) Kenneth Tynan; (R) Jools Holland
F: This is just so easy this one...
C: Excuse me! This is my question!
F: I mean Gazza, Kenneth Tynan, Jools Holland...
I: It's the battle of the breakfasts!
F: Those three all have the F-factor!
C: I was going to say that actually. Gazza, Ken and Jools have all said the
F-word on television shows. Fiona obviously hasn't said the F-word on a
television show...
F: Not yet!
C: But she probably said it just after she left one! Maybe.
P: We can change that answer right now with one simple word. You know that don't
you?
PICTURED: Fiona - will she, won't she...
F: No!
P: Go on do it! It's worth a point.
C: And that's it!
I: Kenneth Tynan was the first person to say 'fuck' on television. I was the
latest for two seconds!
P: No you fucking weren't!
I: Oh fucking yes I fucking was!
C: Go on Fiona! Go on Fi! Go on!
F: No! You say it!
C: She says it at home!
F: How do you know?
C: You must do!
A: have you ever been to Fiona's home?
F: Yes, don't talk about that, oh! Hasn't been to my home? He's been shouting
through my letterbox!
A: Is that true?
F: Uh huh!
I: Really?
C: (giggling) Not true at all!
PICTURED:
Chris Evans denies shouting through Fiona Armstrong's letterbox.
P: Has he been shouting through your letterbox?
F: Yes!
PICTURED: Fiona looks accusingly at Chris.
C: I mean, I will do if you really want me to!
I: It's a great scene, him shouting through your letterbox. One of your only
viewers!
PICTURED: Fiona's amusement at Ian.
C: Oh, Ian!
I: I can't believe someone said that!
A: Well, thank God you never did Ian!
It is Fiona Armstrong here, who is the only one not to have used the F-word,
or at least not on television, although judging by the way GMTV promoted her F-factor, she would have every right to tell them to fanciability
off.
Jools Hollands was suspended from 'The Tube' for using the F-word. He later
apologised, saying he was unprepared, didn't know the camera was on him and
blurted out the first thing that came into his head, so a perfectly normal
edition of 'The Tube' by the sound of it.
Paul Gascoigne, in a recent interview, told the people of Norway to F-off.
That's not like him - stringing two words together.
And in 1965, Kenneth Tynan broke new ground by saying on live television "I
doubt if there are any rational people to whom the word 'fuck' would be
particularly diabolical or forbidden." Nice to know we have come such a
long way since then and here we are, 28 years on, still bleeping it out.
And finally in this round Ian, a chance for some topical satire for you. Henry
VIII, Robes Peer, Douglas Hurd, and Tony Benn.
PICTURED:
Top: (L) Henry VIII; (R) Robes Peer
Bottom: (L) Douglas Hurd; Tony Benn
I: Right, well they're all dead! They're all old Etonians. Henry VIII, the
previous Lord Stansgate, Robes Peer known as Robbie, he was in dorm B!
P: Is Tony Benn the only one who's had sex with a pavement?!
A: Well, yes he is but that's not actually the answer we were after! I'll tell
you.
It's that they were all involved in changing laws to suit their own needs.
That's with the exception of Robes Peer, who supervised the introduction of the
guillotine and then later had his head cut off. A prime example of being hoisted
by your own petard, although on balance that would probably have been
preferable, depending on what a petard is.
Henry VIII celebratedly changed the law so he could get rid of his wife. How the
present Prince of Wales must yearn for a similar solution.
Tony Benn helped changed the law to enable him to drop his title of Viscount
Stansgate and renounce his peerage forever, or at least until his son takes it
over in a few years time. Not funny, but it is satirical.
And Douglas Hurd, on discovering that a defeat in the Commons would kill the
Maastricht Treaty, changed the Parliamentary rules so that the verdict of the
Commons became irrelevant. I wonder if the Italians still want a British-style
democracy?
Back to Top / Back to Transcripts Intro Page / Back to Intro Page
