A: Round two this week relaunches itself with the accuracy of a Scud missile at the ever-tempting target of tabloid journalees. Two prime examples of the craft. Paul and Chris:
C: It's a story about some students who went to Spain. They're art students who
as a performance art went to Spain, to the Costa del Sol, and took photographs
of themselves and sent them back to the people who had paid for the holiday and
said "Look what we've done. We've gone to Spain on holiday at your expense" and that was art. And it was all over the papers, and then
the next day it said that they didn't go to Spain, they went to Scarborough, and
so all the lecturers at the college went: "Yes, that IS art." It was
agreed by everyone involved it was art.
PICTURED:
Chris Donald explains the meaning of art...
A: It was art.
G: I'm sure it was art. I think they were told to do something controversial, so
they rigged up something that would in fact be controversial. They got their two
days in the newspapers, they were on the front pages, all kinds of knee-jerk
reactions and the performance bit was coming out of the arrivals lounge at the
airport pretending to be coming back from the Costa Brava. I'd give them an 'A'.
C: Well I was at the same school and in the sixth form we went to Scarborough to
celebrate when we left school. But we all had to pay ourselves, we hired a bus
and went ourselves. We didn't make a fuss when we got back either.
G: Let's not get too solemn about this. These kids only got one thousand pounds,
one thousand one hundred and 26 pounds or...
C: But the thing is, in the old days when it was art you would paint a picture
and say "Look, that's a good picture, now I'm going to do another
one". In 30 years time they're going to be coming back saying "I've
been to Torromolinos this time!" It's not going to work again is it?
G: But I think they did it really within the parameters of the job they'd been
given.
C: It was a scam.
I: But doesn't that mean they're going to make very good burglars and conmen,
rather than good artists? I suppose it's the same thing really...!
G: They're going to have to give them their 'A' as a piece of...and also there
were supposed to be 13 of them but all the pictures show 11. I don't know who
the other two are...
C: Well, one would be taking the picture!
A: Shall we draw a veil over this?!
I: Yeah, let's go on!
A: Right, Ian and Germaine, your tabloid title is:
G: Well, it's got to be about women dressed in clingfilm or whatever it was that
they were wearing to the BAFTA awards. Emma Noble, probably, who was flaunting
her new nose cones in a strange dress that seemed to have one shoulder strap
being constructed at a right angle to the other...
I: It's a new range from 'Slappers R Us'!
G: ... and you could see her underwear. But then there was more in the papers
about how a certain kind of flashlight makes certain kinds of fabrics
transparent...
P: How much are they?!
I: But her mum said that when she went out, when she left her house, she was
wearing a slip underneath the gauzey thing and then somewhere in the car she
whipped it off.
PICTURED: Ian's interpretation of a slip...
G: Because her mother did that thing of saying "You're not going out
looking like that!"
I: Yeah. And she did!
G: Well everybody does that! Everybody goes out with what mum thinks you should
wear and then changes in the toilet!
C: Her mum should have said "Chuck yourself on a lace curtain so everyone
can see your tits" and then she'd have gone out and bought a sensible dress
from Marks and Spencers!
G: Well, they're not really tits are they? They're a very strange shape. They're
the kind that are still pointing skywards when your're lying on your back!
PICTURED: Germaine demonstrates the direction of Emma Noble's bosoms...
A: Can we perhaps have a look and take a show of hands as to whether these are
indeed tits or not?
PICTURED: James Major with Emma Noble wearing THE
dress
P: I can see three!
I: The one on the left is a tit, certainly!
A: So do you think posing semi-naked for photographers is ever justified
Germaine?
G: Sure. Why not?
P: Good!
A: Given that you were on the cover of the Times ten days ago, wearing a cat.
G: I do not read the Murdoch press, but...
I: What, you just appear in it?!
P: Are you sure it was a cat?! I haven't seen the picture...
G: The photographs were taken ages ago. I went to take part in a picture story
about the ageing body or something, but I hadn't read the letter properly and it
said that "you will be required to strip to your underwear" and I
don't wear a lot of underwear, you see. Suddenly, into the room walked this big
ginger cat so I persuaded the big ginger cat to sit in my lap and function as
underwear for the picture. And he did!
PICTURED: Germaine explains how the cat sat on her lap
P: Is he still there?! You could have a cat flap put in, couldn't you?!
Back to Top / Back to Transcripts Intro Page / Back to Intro Page
