A: Round one is traditionally where the rot sets in. Ian and Danny...
PICTURED: Film footage of Gazza wearing fake breasts, Gazza with Danny Baker and
Chris Evans, Glen Hoddle and England training without him
D: Ah right, we're going to go straight in are we?! This will be dealing with
the worst sporting decision since Caligula married his horse - oh look! There's
Glenn Hoddle waiting for the latest word from his German paymasters! That'll be
Gazza...oh, Joey, Chandler and Ross! Yes, I think we've seen enough to know that this is about the dropping of Paul Gascoigne and also
England's chances from the upcoming World Cup. It's a very, very bad sporting
decision and the man has made us look foolish in front of the rest of the world.
I: Are you pas de pris here?
D: You what?
I: I mean, you're showbiz mates though, aren't you?
D: Showbiz mates? That's very nice of you to say so Ian, me being in showbiz and
all that.
A: And being friendly with him.
D: Well, look, look. The papers say...
P: It's turning into a kangaroo court all of a sudden!
D: It is! Thank you! The papers say, right, that we used, Chris Evans and I used
Paul Gascoigne for showbusiness ends. Well, I've known Paul...
P: I heard it was for sexual purposes!
D: No, no! We use him to further our careers. I've known him ten years - it's
failed, hasn't it? So that's that. And Chris Evans uses him for publicity
purposes. That's like saying the Queen needs Prince Philip for air miles!
P: Or sex!
D: Or sex, yes!
P: She's trained a corgi to do all that for her, where they stand on each
other's shoulders! You can picture it. Intelligent breed!
PICTURED: Paul demonstrates the Royal corgis' new talent
A: Yes, yes. It's a lovely mental image, thank you! So how did Gascoigne react,
do you remember? Or has he told you?
D: No! The idea that we live in each other's pockets is nonsense.
A: Have you spoken to him?
D: No...yes, I have. I tell a lie, I have. But you know, we rarely talk about
football and we rarely have.
I: What else do you talk about?
D: Well, the strange things is that that's the side of Paul no-one knows.
I: Theatre? Opera?
D: He quotes from Latin and Greek! Seriously, no-one knows! If you've ever seen
Paul say 'I love you' it'll break your heart. True, he tries to squeeze into a
single belch but otherwise...! But leave him alone! Seriously, he's suffered
enough and now it's all borne through and he ain't going to the World Cup. And
when we're playing Spain with ten minutes to go and they say "ooh, Rob
Lee's getting ready to come on" - so what? "Ooh, Darren Anderton's
getting ready to come on" - so what? If they'd said "ooh, Paul
Gascoigne's getting ready to come on", everybody...
I: I'd have said "so what?"!
D: Yeah, all right!
P: We don't know. It's a sporting decision, like in the 66 World Cup - that's
the one we won, Ian, I don't know if you were aware of that - when Jimmy Greaves
was fit, people said "ooh, you must play Greaves in the final", there
was this big thing and of course, he didn't pick Greaves and his replacement
Geoff Hurst scored a hat-trick so we don't know.
D: You do know! This time we do know.
P: How do we know?
D: Because it's a class thing. I think Glenn Hoddle is actually a bourgeois
fool. I think he is!
P: He's only picking posh people to play for England?!
D: Yes! Yes! Yes, he is! He is! It's a fact! David...
P: Like D'Arcy Shearer?!
D: David Beckham was wearing a dress!
A: A dress?!
D: He goes out with Posh Spice for a start - there's your conspiracy theory!
David Beckham was wearing a dress and he's going!
I: Yeah, but Posh Spice is a sort of comparative isn't it?
D: Yeah, it's a class war. I'm sure it is! You remember class war?
I: Erm...
D: We got football, you got the BBC!
I: Oh, we got a good deal!
D: By the way, I'll just fill in here - if this is about showbiz chums and
football, hands up everyone on this panel who has ever had a private jet up to
Old Trafford to watch Manchester United with Chris Evans? That'll be just you
Richard, and you Angus, will it? We don't often see you down the old Millwall,
there! Not a lot of purchase in that is there?
A: Is the private jet that BA run every morning? We paid our fare!
I: Do you and Richard go out for kebabs afterwards?!
D: Ha! The kebab angle is the best, isn't it?
A: Not as I remember! Do you remember any kebabs Richard?
R: No, no. I don't eat meat!
P: That wouldn't necessarily put you off a kebab, you don't know what's in
there!
D: That's the thing! These shots of the kebab owner who's now famous and
probably got a record deal as we speak! The kebab owner they had on 'Newsnight'
who they've shown making his kebab and they were hoping against hope that as he
finished "there's the lettuce I put in you see, some chicken I put in, a
little chilli sauce , and half a pound of hashish"! No, he's never going to
say that! It's not a crack den, it was a kebab shop!
PICTURED: Danny makes a kebab
P: But if he did put in half a pound of hashish it'd be great, because you'd
just sell lots of kebabs! People would get the munchies! "I'd better have
another one of them"! You're going to be there a week! In the end they'd
have to shoot you!
A: Yeah, an excellent marketing ploy!
This is Paul Gascoigne who has been dropped from the England World Cup squad
and been forced to fly home in embarrassed disgrace, a whole two weeks before
his England team-mates do the same.
Before going to Spain, Gascoigne returned to his old school to help out with a
training session, so for two extra bonus points, what happened next?
PICTURED:
Clip shown of Gazza using his footballing trickery against a young boy
D: Well every time there's a footballer playing with a small child the ball
usually goes in their testicles, and the BBC have made ten series of 'A Question
Of Sport' on that very piece of film!
I: Doesn't Gascoigne get injured? Is that what happens in sort of one-to-one
tackles of this nature?
A: What, in every tackle he ever goes in for, you mean?!
I: Well, I'm no expert! But is that what happens?
A: Understatement of the year!
I: And then something comes off!
P: This was on the news recently. This is when he went back to his old school.
If I remember rightly, doesn't the little boy, by a fluke, get the ball off him,
start running away, and Paul Gascoigne trips him up and commits a foul? Trips
him up.
R: I think Gascoigne offers him a cigarette afterwards!
A: Trips him up and offers him a fag! Okay, let's have a look.
PICTURED: Clip of Gascoigne tripping the boy
D: Yeah!
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