A: Regular viewers will know that round two is sometimes tailored to suit our
guests specialist areas so this week we focus on agony columns and those
personal, emotional and sexual problems that are all too familiar to Martin and
Neil. In particular, the Sun's daily photo strip 'Deidre's Photo Casebook',
featuring those everyday stories of people who haven't got quite enough clothes
on. All the teams have to do is guess the storyline and what advice Deidre came
up with. So, here's the opening part of our domestic drama.
A: What is the finely honed dialogue here?
N: I think he is saying to the girl "What time is it please?" and
she's saying "I can't tell you because I'm holding milk in the hand I've
got my watch on and if I told you it would spill! You old prankster!"
M: He's going "I saw you hiding there, you naughty thing. Give me that
chloroform and let's have some real fun!"
N: Yeah, that's probably about right!
I: Isn't it him just coming in and saying "Good evening. I represent David
Mellor"?
C: That's why she looks so worried!
A: Er, well let's have a look at what they actually said.
A: "So have you got a boyfriend back home then, Anna?" "No,
no-one special. I'm hoping to meet a nice English man while I'm here, Ted."
I: Is this the first frame?
A: This is the first.
I: Oh, they must get their kit off in the next frame then!
PICTURED:
Ian predicts the nature of the next
frame...
A: Well, odd you should say that!
A: So he's saying "So everything they say about Swedish au pairs is true,
eh Anna?" But what is the au pair saying back?
M: "Yes, we're all monopeds!"
N: Or "I've got no idea Ted. I'm from Hull!"
PICTURED: Neil suggests that the au-pair may originate from Hull
A: It's surprisingly close...
A: Because she says "I'm not Swedish. I'm Dutch." So they're in bed together. What could possibly happen next?
A: Yes, the kid turns up and catches them in flagrante. "Daddy, what are
you doing?" is naturally what the boy says, so what is the reply from the
father?
I: "Daddy, what are you doing?" "I'm waiting for..." no, I
won't do that one!
C: No!
N: "Daddy, what are you doing?" "I'm shagging the au pair!"
I: He's sort of honest with his kids!
N: Absolutely! And the child would be better brought up if he tells the truth,
wouldn't he Claire?!
PICTURED:
Neil advocates parental honesty
C: Oh yes...!
I: Why is he underneath the duvet and she's sort of sitting on top?
M: Because you'd see his cock!
PICTURED: Martin
subtly explains the reason behind the models' pose...
PICTURED: ...amusing Claire considerably!
C: They're very careful on the Sun not to get too rude...
I: You're a very profound man, Martin!
M: Yeah!
I: I'm going to have to take you a lot more seriously!
PICTURED: Ian acknowledges Martin's profundity
M: Well she can hide her bush just by shutting her legs!
N: And you can't see that the child hasn't got pants on because of the caption!
M: Yeah! "Apparently, she's Dutch - hop in!"
A: I think we've accidentally stumbled upon Martin's area of expertise!
M: Yeah, I like these things!
A: Yes, obviously! In fact...
A: ... Ted says "Er...Anna hurt her back and I was just rubbing it to make her feel better. You won't say anything to your mother, will you?"
N: And the kid says "Bollocks!"
PICTURED:
Neil predicts the child's reaction
A: And so to the final frame with Ted's wife suddenly making an appearance. What is the thought here?
I: "I must get rid of that blonde wig!"
C: Yeah!
I: What would you do if she wrote to you, saying "Dear Claire..."
PICTURED: Claire ponders over what advice should
be given
C: "My husband's been having it off with the au pair"?
I: "...with the au pair. Should I get rid of him or the au pair...."
C: To be perfectly honest...
I: "She's a very good au pair."
C: I'd keep the au pair but I'm damned if I'd let him sleep so peacefully after what he's been up to.
I: What would you do?
C: I'd be giving him hell!
PICTURED:
Martin sympathises with the seemingly exhausted Ted
M: He's knackered, Claire! He's serving up old cheap wig here, and the Dutch bird!
C: He wouldn't sleep so peacefully alongside me if he'd done that, I tell you!
M: Oooh!
A: Yes...
C: I refuse to take this seriously...
M: You've got that problem as well?!
A: Well, I'll tell you what her thoughts are...
A: ..."I don't know who to believe, my son or my husband. Should I just accept Ted's story and avoid a scene?" So given this moral dilemma, what is
Deidre's advice to Ted's wife?
I: I think in the next episode...
C: I'd wake him up and try and sort him out!
I: ...she should wake him up, get out of bed and take all her clothes off, because that's what the Sun wants. And then pretend you're doing a public
service! You wouldn't have done that, would you Claire?
C: Heaven forfend!
I: Apart from work for the Sun!
PICTURED: Claire discusses her work with the Sun
newspaper
C: Oh dear. It was a newspaper in those days, I remember it well!
I: Are we pre-war here?
C: Oh, practically, practically!
A: Martin and Neil then, let's have your expert advice.
M: Stay in more.
PICTURED: Martin
expresses his considered opinion
N: Yeah.
M: Find some little chores around the house and they won't get at it!
N: Yeah!
M: I don't know. It depends if the child has a history of lying before because obviously she's not to know. She's only got the child's word to go
on. He's an infant. They're not always reliable, are they?
I: I vote you have Claire's job!
M: Yeah! So my advice is to get out more. Did I say that? No, stay in more!
I: Stay in more!
A: Stay in more, yeah!
PICTURED:
Angus concurs with Martin
M: I don't really care, actually!
A: No I gathered that! Well, I'll tell you that Deidre's advice to the wife was...
A: ..."Don't accuse Ted. Perhaps he feels threatened. Use some of your pay to take him out to dinner and re-establish your relationship as lovers."
Deidre's Photo Casebook has been criticised for its gratuitous nudity but to be fair to the female models, they only take their clothes off if it's
absolutely essential to the fee.
Back to Top / Back to Transcripts Intro Page / Back to Intro Page
