A: Round two this week concentrates on the biggest election issue of all, according to the Daily Mirror, namely what effect a new Labour Government would have on the everyday lives of Britain's soap stars. Some helpful advice as the nation edges towards the crucial event of May 1st - the marriage of Eric and Dee in 'Emmerdale'. So the teams' job is to identify the stars and using their in-depth knowledge of soaps, tell us how Labour policies will affect them. Here's the first one, Ian and Fred:
PICTURED: Ricky and Bianca Butcher from 'EastEnders'
accompanied
by first bar of the theme tune
A: There was a slight musical clue there, I don't
know if you caught it.
F: I think this might be up to me!
I: Yeah, who are they?
F: Because there are some people here who don't know about soap operas - or
soap!
PICTURED: Swampy chooses not to react
A: Oooh dear!
I: Anyway, who are these people?
F: That's Ricky Butcher and Bianca, who as of yesterday is Bianca Butcher as
well. I don't know what her surname was before that, but I do now.
A: I'll tell you what he does. He works in a garage, Ricky. So given that
information, what might the Mirror think he would benefit from under a Labour
Government?
I: He would be given a minimum wage, and a married person's allowance. And life
would only get better, as D:Ream put it. No link, obviously!
A: I'll give you a point for that, it's not bad. It is Ricky Butcher from
'EastEnders', pictured with his charming new wife Bianca.
According to the Mirror "Under Labour, garage worker Ricky Butcher can ask
his employers, the Mitchell brothers, for a guaranteed minimum wage and the
right to join a union." And he'll get first class health care after they
kick his face in.
A: Paul and Swampy:
PICTURED:
Mike Baldwin from 'Coronation Street',
accompanied by first bar of the theme tune
P: Well, I know he's in 'Coronation Street' because he's been in it for years
but I haven't seen it for about 20 years. Last time I saw it Albert Tatlock was
sent home early from school! He used to run a clothes warehouse. Is he still
doing that in 'Coronation Street'? Clothes manufacturing?
A: He's a sort of wheeler-dealer businessman type.
P: Oh right. Well, it's probably going to be under Labour, he'll be eligible for
the wheeler-dealer tax!
A: Any idea what his name is?
P: Mike Baldwin, Mike Baldwin.
A: Mike Baldwin is the right answer. Very good, yes. 'Coronation Street's very
own entrepreneur.
The Mirror, in fact, points out "Mike
Baldwin won't be hit by high taxes under a Labour Government committed to
helping small firms." Partly because of Labour's pledge to maintain current
tax levels, but mainly because he's a fictional character who doesn't exist.
A: So our next starlet, Ian and Fred:
PICTURED:
Frank Tate from 'Emmerdale',
accompanied
by first bar of the theme tune
I: This is Swampy in 30 years' time!
F: It's 'Emmerdale' but I don't know who the character is because the last time
I saw him he was a cop in 'Softly Softly'.
P: 'Softly Softly', yeah!
A: I'll tell you, his name is Frank Tate, suspected of murdering his cheating
wife, Kim.
F: Well, under a new Government, if it's Labour, if he has another two offences
he'll be put away for life, because it's three strikes and you're out.
S: Is that true?
I: Yeah!
F: Yes!
I: Three offences and it's the death penalty. Particularly for tunnelling!
PICTURED:
Swampy smiles at the prospect of a death sentence for tunnelling
P: You wouldn't have any trouble escaping though, would you?! The actor's name
is Norman Bowler.
A: Yes, and he had a reverse vasectomy.
P: A reverse one?
PICTURED: Paul tries to grasp the concept of a reverse vasectomy...
A: (struggling to explain) Yes. It means you have it, erm, unsnipped!
PICTURED: ...and whilst Angus struggles to explain the procedure...
I: I'm not sure anyone wanted to know that, Angus!
P: But isn't a reverse vasectomy just nothing? Just don't do anything? That must
be the opposite of vasectomy, unless it's where they take a big pair of pliers
and go 'whack'!
PICTURED:
...Paul demonstrates the technique
A: Yes, I'm aware of what happens there.
P: Why are you aware? You're not having one done now are you?!
PICTURED:
Angus checks that a vasectomy isn't currently underway...
A: Erm, no. Don't think so. I am aware...(struggling again) No, the reverse vasectomy occurs after you...
P: What are you doing with your hand?!
PICTURED: Paul asks Angus what he is doing
A: But it hasn't got anything to do with what Labour would do with his life.
PICTURED: Angus quickly removes his hand from
beneath the desk
I: They would be tough on him.
F: Tough on bollocks, tough on the causes of bollocks!
A: I'll give you one because you're very close. It's 'Emmerdale's Frank Tate,
currently on trial for the murder of his wife. Of course, Labour will be tough
on Frank Tate's crime, tough on the causes of his crime. And finally, Paul and
Swampy:
PICTURED: Mandy Dingle from 'Emmerdale',
accompanied
by first bar of the theme tune
PICTURED:
Paul,
struggling, does a double take on the picture
P: What are Double Mandy's for two quid?
A: Yes, you tell me!
P: This is 'Emmerdale', isn't it? So she runs a sort of transport cafe or
something, presumably.
A: Mobile burger van, yes.
P: Does the mobile burger van - does the 'mobile' refer to the burger or the
van?
I: I really must remember to watch the soaps!
A: You miss all this, you see!
I: So much better than having a life!
A: 15 million viewers can't be wrong! Or can they?
I: Oh yes they can! 15 million watched you, I gather!
A: Yes, thank you! It is - you can have all your points if you like after that!
- it's Mandy Dingle from 'Emmerdale' who runs a mobile burger van called Mandy's
Munchbox.
The Mirror said "Mandy must clean up
her act as the Food Standards Agency will enforce better hygiene." For
mobile burger vans, that means stringent regulations like having a separate
toilet and sink.
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