A:
Round One involves identifying one or two major news stories of the week,
beginning with Paul and the Hamiltons...
P: Ha!
A: ... with this slight event.
P: Sounds like it should be a film shouldn't it? Big Foot and the Hendersons!
A: Country and western band!
P: Yeah!
PICTURED: Film footage of a polling booth, John Major on the swingometer,
Michael Portillo and David Mellor losing their seats
C:
Now he looks familiar. Major's pop-up.
P: Oh, John Major, yes that's where he asked the coalman to deliver but the
coalman got it wrong and chucked it through his living room. He was sat watching
the television and suddenly he's covered in about five tons of nutty slack.
C: That's the other answer, that's right!
A: That was actually part of the BBC graphics on election night.
P: Was it really?
I: That was a cardboard cut-out, but it's terribly difficult to tell with Major!
A: Two and a half million pounds the election night show cost.
P: Oh no!
I: It was worth every penny though.
M: Yes.
C: Absolutely!
I: It was one of the most brilliant evenings of television...
M: Great night!
I: ... I've ever seen in my whole life! Every time you thought you could go to
bed - no, there's another one going!
PICTURED: Neil and Christine enjoy the joke
I: Everyone I know now measures that evening in terms of "so how late did
you stay up? Did you stay up for Tatton?" "Yeah, obviously!"
"Did you stay up for Portillo?" "Yeah!"
C: I saw Mellor there somewhere.
I: That was Goldsmith there, revealing his charming face. The fact that he had
lost his deposit and been utterly humiliated didn't stop him standing there
stamping like some mad tubthumper! He was shouting "rouse! rouse!
rouse!". Or was it "out! out! out!"?
A: And any other notable defeats? Present company excepted, obviously.
I: Er, Rupert Allason lost by a very small number of votes which must have hurt.
Ha ha ha!
A: There was one other thing I was going to ask you - did you know what Mrs
Thatcher's words of comfort to you all was?
C: Well, what did she say to the nation? I don't know.
A: She said she was very sorry for those who lost "an experience I never
had."
M: She's all heart isn't she?
P: But the Tories kicked her out. That's sort of losing isn't it?
C: No, she was never defeated at an election, that's what she means.
P:
No. It was just the people she worked with that hated her!
PICTURED: Paul discusses Margaret Thatcher
A: Yes, it's the end of an historic election which has been dominated by the
astonishing figure of 179 - that's the number of hours David Dimbleby went
without sleep.
The majority won by New Labour includes 55 lecturers, 49 teachers, 32
journalists, 31 lawyers and 16 company directors, although it still retains its
working class credentials - one MP's mum used to have a coal fire.
Incidentally, for anyone who feels a bit jealous that they weren't invited to
the Labour celebrations at the Festival Hall, here's what you missed.
PICTURED:
Footage
of top Labour MPs 'getting down'
A:
How did it compare to the Tory Party celebrations?
C: We weren't there.
A: Oh, right. That was in a scout hut somewhere. So, Ian and Maureen...
N: Well, we decided to go to bed instead.
A: Right!
M: Well, everybody has their own way of celebrating!
A: Right, Ian and Maureen, the morning after for you.
PICTURED:
Footage of of Labour MPs on Downing Street, Tony Banks at West Ham United
I:
It's the new men. They've all come in and they've hit the ground running.
M: And there's Tony Banks coming into Chelsea's ground. He's going to go
"yes!" in a minute. Yes!
PICTURED:
Maureen's elation!
I:
He got a job.
M: He's got a job. Free seats. And he's a very happy man.
I: I suppose giving a left-wing minister Minister for Sport isn't too risky is
it? He could have been Minister for Paperclips if he'd been really serious!
A: And how did you spot it was Chelsea?
M: Well, I know Tony Banks is a Chelsea supporter.
A: Right. Given that it was Upton Park!
M: Yeah! Exactly!
A: And Tony Banks, of course, made three wishes, do you remember? Around
Christmas time, what were they?
I: World peace and to travel. I've no idea.
A: He wanted to become Minister for Sport...
I: Right.
A: ... for Michael Howard to be abducted by aliens...
M: Well that happened some years ago!
N: But they didn't like him and brought him back!
M: And John Redwood too!
A: ... and for Chelsea to win the Cup, was his final wish.
M: Wow.
A: Tom Pendry was Shadow Sports Minister for over ten years but did not get
the job in the New Labour cabinet. When he told his wife he had been overlooked
by Tony Blair, she said: "Tony Blair! That's who you were supposed to ring
back!"
I: It's quite interesting. An anagram of 'Tony Blair PM' is 'I'm Tory Plan B'.
PICTURED: Anagrams with Ian Hislop...
A: Paul and Christine and Neil, the day after the day after for you...
PICTURED: Footage of John Major leaving Downing Street, Michael Howard,
Kenneth
Clarke, William Hague, John Redwood, Peter Lilley and Gillian Shephard
C: That's the new
leadership team.
P: All candidates for the new post of Opposition Leader.
C: That's William Hague, who is anyone's after a glass of champagne.
P: Really?!
C: Yeah! There's Redwood, who gets a very bad Press - he's not as funny as he
looks.
I: I don't think anyone ever thought he was funny!
C: Oh yes, some of us!
N: And there's the dream ticket.
A: Yes, Lilley and Gilly is how they are referring to it.
C: Lilley and Gilly, yes.
M: You just need one more for the seven dwarves really, don't you? Fatty, Gaffy,
Spooky, Smarmy...!
P: Lilley doesn't have to change his name! It would just be Lilley!
A: So who's the favourite then?
C: Are you looking at me?
A: Yes, who would you actually...who do you fancy?!
C: Ah! I'm not committing myself on live television as to who I think should be
the...
I: Do you have a say now?
C: No. Well, I never had a say but Neil, no.
N: Can't get a word in!
A: What was Redwood's pledge if he were to be elected?
P: Erm...
I: To boldly go where no man has been before!
P: Sorry, just suddenly I got confused by what you said. It sounded like a
furniture polish - Redwood Pledge!
M: Yep!
I: He promised to unite the party.
N: I think I could successfully unite the party because they would all be
against me!
A: So far the list of candidates includes Kenneth Clarke, Stephen Dorrell,
William Hague, Michael Howard, John Redwood and Peter Lilley with Gillian
Shephard. So it's now all down to the remaining Tory MP to decide which one to
vote for.
Ian and Maureen, some welcome relief for you...
PICTURED:
Footage of the Proms, the Beatles, Andrew Lloyd-Webber and Frank Zappa
M:
That's the Proms. And the organiser of the Proms, Mr Kenyon I believe, has
decided that it's time to put Beatles' numbers in the Proms. Very rightly.
I: There was Frank Zappa as well.
M: Oh, Frank Zappa?
A: Yeah.
I: So you're going to have a bit of Marla, a bit of Chopin, and then the great
album 'Titties and Beer'!
A: It was a great album that, wasn't it?
I: Terrific album but not necessarily what you want to hear at the Royal Albert
Hall during the Proms.
A: Are you familiar with Mr Zappa's work?
C: I'm not familiar with that whole story. We haven't read the papers this week
so I didn't know what that was all about.
PICTURED: Christine rues her decision not to read the weeks' newspapers...
A: Did you not know you were coming on this programme?!
P: Have you actually heard the election result?!
I: Shall we do a replay? 'I, the returning officer for Tatton...'
C: No, no!
I: Oh, all right!
N: Last Thursday was the last time I saw a man in a white suit.
C: Oh yes, there's another one!
PICTURED:
Angus's white suit
A: Yes, the lucky white suit.
C: Angus's is a smart white suit. It's got creases in the right place. He
obviously hasn't slept in it.
M: He's got loads of them Christine, those suits, those white suits. All from
the old 'Randall and Hopkirk' videos!
A: And where does Andrew Lloyd-Webber fit into all this?
M: Well, his music has not been selected. He's leaving the country anyway, isn't
he? Because Labour have got in. Did you know that?
PICTURED: Maureen ponders the departure from the country of Andrew Lloyd-Webber
P:
He's just waiting for Paul Daniels to book the tickets!
C: He's gone to the House of Lords.
P: Paul Daniels, Frank Bruno and Andrew Lloyd-Webber are all going together but
they can't quite fit everyone in, so the lovely Debbie McGee has been put into
storage.
C: Who's Debbie McGee?
P: She's in a lock-up garage in Stepney, looking less lovely by the second!
A: Yes, I can imagine.
P: Pickford's have just shoved her in a little box.
A: Meanwhile, back at the quiz...!
Yes, it's the controversial decision by the BBC's Nicholas Kenyon to schedule
performances of Beatles songs in this year's Proms by the classical quartet, The
King's Singers, who have already had heated arguments with each other, partly
about musical arrangements, but mainly about which one has to be Ringo.
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