A: Ian, your four-way split comprises: Monica Lewinsky, Tiny Rowland, Camilla Parker-Bowles, and Linda Tripp.
PICTURED:
Top: (L) Monica Lewinsky; (R) Tiny Rowland
Bottom: (L) Camilla Parker-Bowles; (R) Linda Tripp
I: I think this is a taping question, about being taped. Monica Lewinsky was
taped by Linda Tripp. She pretended to be her friend and said 'tell us about the
President, what did you get up to?' and Monica did. Camilla Parker-Bowles was
taped talking to Charles, the Prince of Wales. Tiny Rowland was taped talking to
Al Fayed, by Al Fayed, in which Fayed talks about the size of his genitals. So
they were all...they were all taped, except Linda Tripp who did the taping.
A: It's a perfect answer, well done.
J: Well done.
I: I'm surprised you gave me this one, because Boris was caught on tape as well.
B: Ha ha ha, richly comic, yes!
PICTURED: Boris mumbles something inaudible
A: Sorry, what was that?
B: I just said, you know, er, good point!
I: Yeah! He said 'ha ha ha, richly comic', which it jolly well was!
A: What were you recorded saying?
B: Do you know, honestly, I don't remember...
I: I do! Boris was on tape talking to Darius Guppy!
B: A very great man - look, I don't want to be completely stitched up here!
P: What you want and what you don't want!
I: No, he was a schoolfriend wasn't he?
B: Great chap.
I: And a great chap, despite being a convicted fraudster.
B: Convicted fraudster, convicted fraudster, went very sadly wrong for him...
I: Yep!
B: ...major goof.
I: And one of the ways it went wrong was ringing you up on tape and suggesting
that you help him beat up a journalist who was looking into him.
B: That did come up! I won't deny that did come up. I don't think I've ever
commented on this before, so I'd better watch my words very carefully. That did
come up. It's perfectly true that Darius and I had a long and rambling
conversation which took in many heroes - many military heroes - that Darius
admired - Rommel, er...
P: Hence 'Major Goof' that you mentioned just now!
B: And since you choose to bring up this unhappy episode, I won't deny a word of
it. I'm not ashamed of it. I did discuss...
I: You sound like George Michael - you're not ashamed of it?
A: What are you not ashamed of though Boris?
B: Er...whatever there is not to be ashamed of!
A: He was trying to get the address of this journalist out of you, wasn't he?
B: Yes, and owing to my great incompetence as a journalist I was unable to
provide it.
I: So the journalist didn't get beaten up, but no thanks to you.
B: I suppose you could say it was thanks to me that he didn't get beaten up.
I: Because you didn't do what you told your mate you'd do.
P: Well, that seems perfectly reasonable! That seems perfectly reasonable!
B: I suppose there's an element of that.
P: Didn't you go to university with him?
I: I did. He was at my college.
P: Well what are you talking about then?
I: I wasn't a friend of his.
P: Oooh! (mimics plummy accent) 'I'm sorry, I never made his
acquaintance, don't you know! Oh, how posh! More tea vicar?'.
PICTURED: Paul takes ecclesiastical high-tea
I: What a lovely impression you have of university!
P: That's you! That's you! 'Oh, I went to Oxford, don't you know! Let's all walk
through the quadrangle with our mortarboards on!'.
A: So where is Darius now?
B: Darry? Er...
J: Darry?!
A: Where does he live now?
B: I don't know where he is now.
A: I thought he lived in Althorp House, doesn't he?
B: Look, I don't know old bean, you'll have to ring him up. I'm way out of my
depth here, I've been totally stitched up. I want it on the record that I've
walked into a massive elephant trap. I should have spotted it.
P: You mustn't think...
B: This man...
P: You mustn't think...
B: This man Hislop is quoting verbatim a conversation I had on the phone, sort
of ten years ago!
I: Yeah, because it's a terribly funny transcript which I have a copy of! And I
reprint it in my magazine whenever humanly possible - usually when you've just
made some right-wing speech about law and order and I try to remind you that you
were involved in a conspiracy!
B: I've never made a right wing speech about law and order!
P: Hit him!
I: Well you should have done! You're a Tory candidate!
P: Hit him!
B: I might! Anyway, no harm came of it, all's well that ends well.
PICTURED: Boris emphasises his
point
I: Exactly!
B: That's my view and I'm sticking to it.
I: It had a happy ending.
A: You're okay, the journalist was all right, and Darius ended up in prison. Did
Darius pronounce it 'Bryexton' Prison?
B: I think he was at Ford.
A: No, he started off at Brixton...
B: Did he?
A: ...I believe. I did a documentary about it.
B: Is that really...you made a documentary about it? Did he?
(Paul sympathetically shakes his head to Boris)
B: Well, you seem jolly well briefed on the whole thing.
A: Yes. The answer is...
B: What a nightmare!
A: ...they have all had their private telephone conversations recorded...
P: Let's go home! This has nothing to do with us!
B: Shall we just pack it in?
P: Yeah. We don't care any more!
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