A: And with the scores excitingly poised at nil all, we give the teams their
first opportunity to commit unforced errors with two pieces of news film to
identify.
Ian and Jo, what hasn't this person been up to this week?
PICTURED:
Film footage of Norman Lamont, a Thresher's off-licence and Miss Whiplash
I: This is the story of Lamont.
There were two Lamont stories this week, sadly.
One right on top of another - it's funny how bad luck comes like that
isn't it?
First someone revealed the contents of his Access bill, saying that he
had been into their shop and bought a bottle of champagne and a hundred Raffles,
which he hadn't apparently.
J: It's a bit of an odd thing to make up, because if you're going to make up
something about someone coming into your shop, I mean, I'd have Mother Teresa
and a rent boy ordering a crate of Newcastle Brown, make it exciting.
An I'm also upset that he was on champagne, because I heard he likes
strong lager.
I heard he gets on the Tennents after work.
A: Yes, it's Norman Lamont's turbulent week and the revelation that Treasury
Ministers paid four thousand pounds to help evict sex therapist Miss Whiplash.
Still, her presence in his house may explain the words of one newspaper
this week: "Norman Lamont appears to be perpetually strapped for
cash."
Two Threshers staff now mysteriously claim they invented the story about him
turning up at their Paddington branch and have since gone into hiding.
Curious they should make up stories about the Chancellor being there,
given that one of them told his girlfriend before the Press ever got hold of it.
And the woman in the shop next door backs up the story too.
Even more curious is the fact that the owners of Threshers pay thirty
thousand pounds to Tory party funds and have an exclusive contract to supply the
Cabinet office.
The words 'rat' and 'smell' immediately spring to mind.
Paul and Neil, what variation on a theme is this?
PICTURED:
Film footage of council tax bills being prepared
P: Council tax.
A: Well spotted.
P: There it is again, look.
N: It's been drawn up by kerb-crawling estate agents who were driving round, and
say what your house is worth.
And they also use helicopters, it appears, so you're a bit stuck if you
have got a flooded back garden and they say 'Ah, he's got a swimming pool'!
PICTURED: Neil Kinnock discusses swimming pools...
I: Band rates are all the same nowadays aren't they?
Band A - can't sell your house.
Band B - can't sell your house.
A: Yes, it's the Conservatives' latest attempt at local taxation, the council
tax, which is an innovative new scheme based on the value of properties, the
like of which we haven't seen since they abolished it three years ago in favour
of the poll tax.
Part of the criticism has been about the method of valuation, purely based on
the property's external appearance, so if you live in what looks like a
beautiful castle but inside it's an inhabitable shell, you're probably the
Queen.
The Government has insisted that people can always appeal against their
assessment.
The maximum they will get back is twenty five pounds, and the cost of the
appeal is fifty pounds.
The words 'bastards' and 'complete' immediately spring to mind.
Ian and Jo, a case of night-time robbery for you.
PICTURED:
Film footage of Terry Wogan interviewing Cher
J: I've shagged him!
I did!
P: Well we all have in our own way haven't we?
A: Not personally, no.
J: That was Terry Wogan getting desperate for people watch his programme so
paying Cher a lot of money - twenty thousand pounds, a pound for every year of
her life - to come on his show.
I'm not bitter!
Well, you know, she got twenty grand, I got eight hundred, she got a new
bum, and I went down Kwik Fit and had one of my blackheads squeezed.
A: It's a lovely image.
I: You can see why it would cost twenty thousand pounds to fly her over because
they'd have to do it in bits and then re-assemble her here.
A: It's the revelation that almost twenty thousand pounds a time is being
handed over to celebrities for five-minute appearances on "Friday Night
With Wogan.”
As a result of which, next week's "Have I Got News For You"
will be presented by Alan Titchmarsh.
PICTURED: Angus
looks as Paul 'compliments' his attire...
P: Nice suit!
I always think brown is tremendously underrated as a colour.
A: I'm just going to blow my nose to make sure this gets edited out!
PICTURED: Angus endeavours to interrupt filming
I: The words 'cowardly arse' spring to mind!
P: I'll just carry on saying it.
Brown suit!
Brown suit!
A: Right.
Where were we?
P: We were talking about your brown suit!
A: When we approached Wogan's producer Peter Estell for clips from the show,
he wrote back saying: "I can imagine the context in which they are going to
be used.
I will therefore not be signing your document to give permission for
clips to be used.
I will not expect to see them in your program.”
Ah well, that's showbiz!
Paul and Neil, whose consent is being sought for this?
PICTURED:
Film footage of a demonstration and men in S&M gear
P: Oh yes, this is the sado-mas...oh hello!
Who got him ready?
I: It's the General Synod isn't it?
N: They had this big demo and to make them really miserable, nobody came.
It was very sado-masochistic.
They were charged by the police.
P: One bloke had his sexual organs wired up to the Christmas lights in Regent
Street.
So when they were sort of turned on and Regent Street was full of colour,
and you could hear this voice going "My God, yes!"
N: There was a photograph of him in a brown suit!
P: It's one of the tell-tale signs, apparently!
A: Yes.
P: Did you know you're sitting in broken glass?
PICTURED: Angus checks his seat for broken glass
A: Yes, I was that man.
I admit it.
Yes, it's the appeal to the Law Lords by five men who were jailed for inflicting
injury on each other in a sexual orgy despite the fact they not only gave their
consent but had a whale of a time in the process.
The five were convicted of taking part in genital torture, including
sandpapering the testicles, passing wires through the groin and safety pins
through each others penises.
Don't know why they didn't just have done with it and buy a Black and
Decker workmate.
I: Why have you just read all that out Angus?
P: It's because he enjoys it!
A: It excites me, yes!
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