A: So, being sticklers for old values, we're going to start with Round One. Ian and Craig, who is upset about what here?
PICTURED: Footage begins with Melvyn Bragg speaking at the '1000 Days' conference
C:
This is Melvyn Bragg celebrating the fact that Salman Rushdie took a thousand
days to write his new novel, "Isn't Mohammed Lovely?".
I: No, that's a protest. There was meant to be a protest this week, protesting
that Salman Rushdie had been sentenced to death by a foreign power, a reasonable
sort of thing, and the Foreign Office said 'could you not rock the boat because
we've got a lot of delicate negotiations about arms deals...I mean, about
hostage deals'.
A: It's satirical.
P: I wish this thing about Salman Rushdie was revoked because he's staying in my
back bedroom!
A: Paul and Trevor, who is this who has come into a nice little nest-egg?
PICTURED: Footage of a prostitute getting into a car, DPP Sir Allan Green,
and
a £10 note on fire
P: Sir Allan Green? Yes, he's been given a golden handshake, which is, er...
T: Money to burn. Twenty thousand pounds to burn.
I: What sort of handshake is that? I'm really not up to the terminology of
King's Cross. I have really no idea what that is!
P: It's akin to hand relief, but there's twenty thousand pounds attached!
I: Oh, good!
A: Absolutely right.
It's former DPP Sir Allan Green, who has apparently been rewarded for his
services to the retail industry in the King's Cross area, and has been given
twenty thousand pounds of taxpayer's money. That'll keep him off the streets. Or
maybe not.
The prostitute, Nicola Evans, said: "Me and my friends could do with the
cash"...
P: They'll get it, don't worry!
A: Yes!
P: Christmas will come early!
I: Unlike Sir Allan! Oh dear, I'm glad I didn't say that.
PICTURED: Ian's joke regarding the "festive season"...
A: Can't believe you said that! Thank God you didn't. Ian and Craig, now who is in it up to their necks here?
PICTURED: Footage of Kurdistan and Jeffrey Archer
I:
Oh, that's a Kurd.
C: Oh yes, so it is.
I: And...
C: So is that!
I: ...that's something that rhymes with Kurd!
P: I can't see any bird there! What's he talking about?
I: There was a concert. Kurd...
C: Kurd Aid.
I: Kurd Aid. And it raised a huge amount of money, and the Kurds, for some
unknown reason, seem to want it, and have been saying this week "please Mr
Archer, can we have our money please?". And we know he's a charitable sort
of fellow - I mean, if you're a prostitute hanging around a railway station,
he'll come along with a brown envelope full of money!
A: Allegedly!
PICTURED:
"Allegedly..."
P: Allegedly!
A: Yes.
P: Perhaps if the Kurds started wearing small, tight dresses and lots of
make-up?
A: And finally in this round, Paul and Trevor, two points if you can identify
this Russian republic but only if you can pronounce it without stumbling.
PICTURED:
Footage of Soviet celebrations and men with guns
T:
Could it be Checheningeshetia?
P: They've got very bad haircuts there, haven't they?!
A: The pronunciation was impeccable, yes.
T: But the answer's wrong?!
I: Production of 'Guys and Dolls' by the look of it.
A: An outdoor one!
Yes, it's the people of Checheningeshetia or ...ingeshia, depending on
whether you come from Russia or Checheningeshia, who this week declared their
independence from Moscow and appointed their own president.
The new regime is a rather curious micture, being largely Islamic but backed by
the Mafia - a situation hotly denied by their leader, Ayatollah Scarface.
If they bump you off, they'll drop you in a river wearing concrete open-toed
sandals.
Back to Top / Back to Transcripts Intro Page / Back to Intro Page
